Come with me, whilst I heal my heart.

Now my exams are over I feel like I have the headspace to decompress and evaluate what’s been going on for me medically in the last few months, well actually the last decade.

I started university in October at the University of Bristol, something that I had wanted to do again for so long. It was a dream come true, getting to learn science in the prestigious space that so many people I admire had walked before, my brother being one of them. This did, however, mean leaving a great career in the NHS, financial security, being at home with my husband/dogs and having free time to see family and friends. Worth the sacrifice.

I managed to get an evening job, 3 times a week which was just about paying the bills. This though coupled with 4 hours of travel to uni each day, made a 70 hour week for me, with 5am starts and getting home from work at midnight. I started to get really poorly in October last year. Catching every bug that was around, unable to breathe properly, feeling like the energy had been drained from my bones. I put it down to stress, no sleep and over work.

When it came to Christmas I could barely function. I couldn’t find the energy. I had lost my voice completely and walking a flight of stairs would tire me out for an hour. The worst of this was the brain fog, my sharp brain and curious mind was not working. Revising for exams was near enough impossible, nothing made sense and it was just too much. I booked in with the doctors, who arranged blood tests the next day and an appointment in person not long after.

I sat in front of the doctor and told him what was going on. He actually listened to me. I love the NHS and it is something that we should cherish but I have never really had a doctor take me seriously. This time I was armed with knowledge behind me from what I had been learning at uni and told him what I suspected, PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) for fatigue but being constantly sick, to this extent, was a mystery. He did some more checks before we went through my blood test results. He confirmed that what I had suspected was correct. He also said I have small red blood cells which oxygen finds hard to attach to, would explain why I have always struggled to balance energy levels. He then got a little more serious and said that he had found a heart murmur and that I was going to be referred to Bath RUH for an ECG. He also advised me that doing the hours I had been doing was adding to it and I was burnt out and heading to being hospitilised if I didn’t slow down.

I took what the doctor said seriously, quit my job in March, focused on sleep and my mental health. I spoke with uni and made them aware of everything, my tutor was brilliant and leapt into action making sure I was protected and supported when it came to re-sits and lectures.

Cut to two weeks ago. A sunny Friday afternoon, sat on the grass with my favourite sparkly shoes on, waiting to go into an exam. The usual pre exam nerves bubbling in my belly. I get a phone call from my doctor with my ECG and blood test results. He informs me that my small red blood cells are a huge part of my weak immune system and it could affect me having a family in the future. I explain we aren’t really looking to have kids now but it could be an issue down the line. He also told me that I have a leaky heart valve. “Very common." he says, "You're young enough that surgery is an option, nothing to get too excited about.” Easy for him to say.

The next two hours were hell. Sat in an exam hall with 400+ students, worrying about this news, trying not to cry and look normal. How am I going to finish my degree? How am I going to afford to live? Will this affect me forever? Do I actually want kids? How do I support my husband with this ? Bet he’s wishing he didn’t choose the broken one now. I’m an over thinker, always have been, much to my detriment.

So where do we go from here? I’m being referred to a specialist at Bath RUH who will advise on surgeries and medication. I need to lower my stress levels, get sleep, lose weight and focus on PCOS friendly foods.

Over the summer I'm starting a project. I’m going to put into practice all the things I have been learning, utilising my own knowledge of somatics and leaning heavily on the support of family and friends to try and get heart healthy so I can avoid a life of medication and hospital appointments. I want to document this all, in the hopes that I can see what helps but also it could be useful to someone else going through something similar.

I invite you all to come with me, whilst I heal my heart.

Love,

Lara