Come with me whilst I heal my heart Part. 2

Christmas break is coming to an end. Do I feel refreshed and ready to go back? No is the easy answer. I am still exhausted and burnt out. Its going to take more than a few weeks.

I went to see my cardiologist on Friday and we chatted about why I was there and our plan going forward. No surgery for me just yet! Great news. Luckily my consultant is a rare breed in the department and spent time discussing all aspects of my life, not just my heart. After me breaking down and ugly crying, he said the most important advise he could give me, you need time for yourself. “I’m prescribing you 3 hours of protected time, with no responsibilities, work, neuro, dogs, or other people. Even if there is an emergency, someone else can deal with it. Really listen to me, I want you to get time out. Put it in your schedule as soon as you get out of here.” I listened and my schedule has been updated.

My uni timetable for this upcoming term is grueling. I have had to schedule every single aspect of my life so I can survive this. This sounds extreme but my time needs to be organised so I do not become sick again. I have 1.5 years left of this degree then I am free. I can do it! There will be wobbles along the way and probably many tears but I can do this.

Running my own business as well is time consuming. I have spent countless hours thinking is this worth it?! The answer always comes back to me when I spend time with my beautiful coaching clients. We have break throughs, there are tears followed by huge sighs of relief, they come back to tell me they put their plan in place and it worked or they allowed themselves the space to breath and be kind to themselves. These women keep me motivated, they make me want to do better, for them and for myself. So giving up is not an option.

So, the plan going forward….

I started by thinking about what my reason is, why do I want to do what I do, I have 2. The first, to help women live a life that is authentic to themselves. The second reason is a simple one, to be happy. When I am happy, it radiates to every aspect of my life, its infectious. I’m not talking about toxic happiness where you slap on a fake smile and find the silver lining in everything. Life happens and we must feel every emotion, each one is a gift. However, happiness is my calling and I can use my happiness to help others.

Keeping my reasons in focus for everything I do helps me to decide how I then design my life. I used the word design there because I am in control of many parts of my life. The unexpected will happen but I need the ability to cope, swerve, lean in or watch as it goes by. My reason is big and juicy enough, that everything I do is going towards that.

My three pronged approach to healing my heart:

My physical health  

I need to lose weight, that is in my control. If I lose weight I will sleep better, my valves will work better and my brain will work better. 3 stone by May is the goal. I’m back dancing, this is truly the only form of exercise that does not feel like exercise to me. It’s online classes, flouncing about in my living room, as I do not have time to consistently get to yoga class or a studio for a in person dance class. BUT I will be dancing again. Dancing speaks to my heart like nothing else does. Its like breathing for me.

Having PCOS and my wibbly heart flaps I need to also consider the way I nourish my body. I’m quite clued up on what I should and shouldn’t eat, as well as supplements that aid in lowering inflammation and stabilising insulin resistance. This side of things I have been doing for a while so that’s one less thing I need to think about.

Walking my girls is one of my favourite things. Time spent in nature with the little loves of my life. Daily dog walks and then one bigger walk once a week.

The size on a label or the number on the scales does not define me. Being heavier does not impact the way I am able to help women, make me less funny or make me less beautiful. However, having a goal to work towards is useful so 3 stone it is.

My mental health

I support a lot of people. I naturally take the role of mother and nurturer. I love this. However, this can be draining. Who is nurturing me?

I have a great group of people around, who when I told them I was feeling slightly depressed and anxious again, they rallied so quickly and hard, it was incredible, they are incredible. My husband, dogs, family and friends, always.

As any good psychiatrist, counsellor or coach will tell you, they love what they do and they do it because they want to help others but it is draining. To be able to do this well, you need to be seeing someone for your own support and also as a sounding board. I hear some really huge, difficult things from my clients and I am honoured that they feel comfortable to tell me. Keeping confidentiality is a key component to this role but being able to share topics and get advice from another professional is also important. I’m back seeing a psychotherapist regularly, in the hopes that I will feel less like a lonely island.

I also need to take my own advice….. I have been told this by my GP and my cardiologist. “What do you tell your women to do? Well do that yourself!” Journalling, meditation and my protected time out is in my schedule and will not be ignored. I have also made it easy for me to do these things by being prepared. My journal is by bed and my head phones are there too. Journalling before bed and meditations to fall asleep to. This also helps me sleep so that’s a major win too. My protected time out will be whatever I fancy at that moment, whether thats knitting, reading, walking or going to the pub.

My spiritual health

This is a new one for me. I have always been able to see and hear things that others cant. It’s a blessing and curse at times. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and that is something that should be protected. This is the first time I am putting this in writing and so publicly. Please be kind and if you cant be kind you don’t have to carry on reading and you can take yourself away. I am not here to prove anything to anyone and I will not enter into conversations of this kind.

It can get very noisy at times in my house with things being moved around and people talking to me. I get woken up by people talking to me, this can be frightening at times and exhausting so I now have a way of stopping this which is better for everyone, kind of like hanging an Out of Office sign up.  I would be heartbroken if my connection was to stop. I see people watching me or moving around in my home. They don’t mean any harm, it’s also quite nice to have the company in a weird way. We call them "Misha’s Friends" as she plays with them, Bodhi's not too fussed. Its not just in my house, its everywhere I go. Its been this way since I was little, I would walk into a room and get an instant sense of what’s going on now and what’s happened in the past. I also can feel other people’s emotions, this is one that can be useful but can also be really draining, boundaries are important and I have learnt the hard way with this.

When I’m treating people during reiki sessions I see ailments or pain in peoples bodies, which are then validated by the person after, telling me that I was spot on. I have found out that this is more than reiki healing where you usually see just colours. I never knew I could do this a year ago, this has been life changing. Having my neuroscience background I am able to understand what I am seeing, a cell, the nerve near someone’s pelvis being pinched, a kidney that is shrinking, the inside of a knee that’s been replaced, a specific part of their brain, misalignment in hips, their circulation or colours flowing. It’s fascinating. I also get messages for people when I treat them from people that have passed. This has been validated on many occasions when the message is shared and my client reveals that that was an event that no one else knows about or that they were having a conversation with someone about that person or specific thing earlier. I love what I do. I love that I can connect to someone on such a deep level, without a single word being said. Being able to offer people a way of relaxing, rebalancing and healing is something I will forever be grateful for.

I would like to note that this is all completely separate to my mindfulness coaching, unless that’s what the client wants.

With all of this in mind, my spiritual health is now more important than ever. Regular meditation, grounding and connection are the ways I can support this. I have an excellent network of likeminded people where I live and I am so grateful for them. They have got me through some pretty difficult and weird times and have been amazing sounding boards, giving great advice on ways to protect myself and be in control.

As I said I am respectful of everyone’s beliefs and these are mine. I am a scientist and I also believe that there is something else out there. We are all just energy and energy never dies, it transfers or changes into something else, it’s the law of conservation of energy. As I said above I am not here to prove anything to anyone.

I write these blogs as a form of therapy for myself. A space to get my thoughts out. Having it written or spoken verbally is powerful. My plan is out there now so I have to do it. I welcome you to come along on this journey, I am a big believer in cheering for each other. Watch this space.

As always, much love.

Lara x