Enjoying the Surrender

I was speaking with friends yesterday about the surrender. That moment in your life where you just have to give in. You are forced to release any control you thought you had, I’m learning I don’t really have any, and to just let life happen. It will come as no surprise that I am not very good at this. I can be impulsive and fun but giving up control, well that’s just terrifying.

Today is the start of returning to work. I’m taking a year off of uni to focus on getting my health back. No-one starts a degree thinking they are going to have to take a year off, especially due to stress and heart issues. I am working hard on getting myself to remember that I am not a failure, I kind of believe it. Almost. My path is just slightly different to those of my friends who will be battling dissertations and final year exams this year. Once again that feeling of being left behind is rearing its ugly head. However, a Lara that is alive, is a better than a Lara that is dead. The last two years have been tough, physically and mentally and I have no choice with this year off. Urgh. Must surrender.

In true Lara style, I have come up with a list. I love lists. The dopamine hit you get from ticking off a perfectly scribed item, a rush like no other. Here we have the “Gap Year Grimoire”. My way of incorporating brains, balance, and a bit of broomstick magic. It’s a list of 50 items I want to do by next September. A bucket list of things that will heal my heart and my soul. I have 30 so far, but more will be added, you know space to surrender and all....

“The Gap Year Grimoire” (so far)

1.  Waterfalls

2. Trip to the Argentina

3. Relearn Spanish

4. See shooting stars

5. Run 10k

6. Dance on stage again

7. Take the train up to the top of Snowdon

8. See the Northern Lights

9. Finishing painting the bedrooms

10. London trip with Mand

11. Oktoberfest with the Awesome Foursome

12. Go to a comedy gig

13. Go to a live music gig

14. Carols in a cathedral

15. Tasting menu

16. Weekend away with the girls

17.  Swim in the sea

18.  Picky choosey day (I did not name this)

19.  Burley Village

20.  Hever Castle

21.  Spa day on my own

22.  Lancashire Castle

23.  Aerial yoga

24.  Weekend away with the Dias’

25.  Beach trip with Bodhi and Misha

26.  Westonbirt in the autumn

27.  Read one new book a month

28.  Coastal trail walk

29.  Edinburgh whiskey tasting

30.  Learn how to make pasta from scratch with Nie

In my bid to survive, I have made my life quite quiet. Removing myself from toxic situations. Giving myself time to understand who I am again. Learning to enjoy being alone. Feeling comfortable with "No." being a full sentence. This quiet space for the last 6 years has afforded me the chance to refind myself and finally do what I love BUT now I think it has served its purpose and has to come to an end. I need to come out of hibernation and rejoin the world. This is my time to explore and people, which luckily I love doing. Not forgetting though, that I can return to the quiet any time I need to.

First thing today though, to calm the nerves, is a dog walk with the husband and the pooches. I can hear them downstairs now, Anth clanging pots and pans and the delicate pitter patter of the dogs following him around. The sounds of daily life, which reminds me how full of abundance my life is. I have a pack that loves me. They are my reason. My reason for living, my reason for health.

Wish me luck or better still wish me an enjoyable surrender.

With love,

Lara x