Trust Yourself: You’re More Capable Than Your Wi-Fi Signal!

Life right now feels hard. There are so many roadblocks and nothing seems to stick. It’s one thing after another and it feels never ending. The last 2 weeks have been particularly challenging with so much going on out of my control. I keep asking the question, “When will it happen? I am working so hard.” And I keep getting the answer, “You are on the right track but not quite ready yet, we have more for you to learn. Trust us, soon.” How bloody frustrating. The difference though recently, I’ve been consistently showing up. For myself and for what I believe in. My mindset has changed.

This has brought me round to the topic of the lessons we are here to learn and how life will keeps throwing the same one at you, until you grab it by the balls and learn it. The biggest lesson I have had to learn, which is on going, is trust and who to give that trust to. I’m finally allowing myself to trust the process, the people around me and also myself. Without the fear that it is all going to be taken away from me again. I haven’t felt capable of trusting anyone, even myself, in well over 15 years, its especially been difficult in the last decade. I have been assured by my coach, that it is understandable, given my experiences in life where people have not always been the kindest, which is putting it lightly for some of the relationships I have had.

However, recently I keep getting little reminders of why its so important I carry on with what feels like my reason, to spread kindness and happiness, which isn’t always easy when you have issues with trust. These moments have come from clients, family members, even strangers.

For example, last week. I was on the brink of a meltdown, with everything around me malfunctioning and crumbling. My husband had been away for a few days with work so I felt lonely, the internet was out in our house for the millionth day in a row, we don’t get signal in our 140 year old miners cottage which meant no contact with anyone and I was struggling to breathe from being ill. Was this a repeat of last year when my body almost failed and my mind went with it? I had had enough, more than had enough. I could feel the darkness approaching and it was looking like it was set to stay for a while.

I was in the library trying to work and catch up on lectures. Feeling like a complete failure. Grumble, grumble. I could hear a lady in the library who needed help with printing and was verbally getting quite irate, asking what looked like the sky for help. I was in the exact same “How the hell does this stupid printer work?!?!” situation a few months ago when ours broke and I used the library’s. Even though I was not feeling social or like I wanted to be anywhere near that damn printer again, I felt for her. I knew the frustration and the urgency, the time counter on the screen ticking down. I nervously went up to her (approaching strangers makes me anxious, being of Indian heritage I’ve come across some people who were awful to me due to the colour of my skin) and asked if she needed help. The relief on her face, she wasn’t alone. She softened, I softened. We laughed, shared a bit about our day and after I showed her what to do with the printer, she left. It was all of 10 minutes but she has no idea how much she helped me that day. She gave me the spark I needed to enjoy the rest of my day. This interaction impacted the rest of my week, the darkness shifted slightly. If I had not reached out and trusted my instincts to help someone, who clearly needed the support, we both would have left that library feeling very different. We are not lonely islands and community matters.

I am being more authentic and honest with myself and with those around me. I get the best results from others when I don’t put on a front. It’s hard to be open with others when it looks like everyone else has it all together, compared to me, floundering in the corner, being awkward, clumsy and weird. I had a client say to me this week they trusted me because they felt like I wasn’t coming to them as a perfect, put together, condescending therapist. The fact that I had shared with them the fuck ups of my week, they felt like they could be open with me about what’s going on for them. It was just two humans on an equal footing, sharing a moment in time. This is a level of trust for me that I haven’t been able to give to others in a very long time. This has settled my mind on what I think I had been edging towards, the style of coach I want to be. I don’t have all the answers. I do however, have a listening ear, a whole catalogue of my own recovery tools and a gift for being able to see people and make them feel at home. Together we can sit, with a cup of tea in a comfy setting, and get the client figuring out what they want to do for themselves, with a few gentle nudges from me. I can be my weird, clumsy, endearing self and trust that the right people will appreciate this and feel comfortable enough to be themselves.

The trust I have for myself has grown. I trust that I know what I feel and want. If something or someone doesn’t feel right then I can say no and put boundaries in place. As an annoying people pleaser, this has been a hard one to learn. I would always give others my time and energy, and then I would leave interactions feeling like rubbish. From a young age people pleasing has been my go to thing, I suppose it’s a warped sense of protection. I’ve allowed people to affect me after they verbally abuse me, physically abuse me, speak poorly of me and abandon me. Leaving me asking why am I such an awful person to make others feel this way? What could I have done to have made the situation better? Why am I such a loser that people don’t want me around?

My teens, 20’s and early 30’s was filled with those “friendships”, where people draw you in, get you to open up, spread the worst kind of gossip about you, make you feel like you are crazy, strip you of your confidence and then leave you naked, battered and bleeding. Like a sadistic hunt. You can see this pattern repeating when they start to prey on others. The realisation that this shows more to their character than mine, has been a huge one in trusting myself again. I don’t need to fix others, make people like me, allow people to use me as a doormat or a way to make themselves feel better. I don’t need to be around those kinds of humans. Lesson learnt, you hear me, I've learnt this one now! I will quite happily bat their shit back to them, put that wall up and walk away. This doesn’t have to be malicious or mean but it is necessary.

I have very few people in my life today from those years. The ones I do have are my ride or die girls, who I owe my life to. I would not be living today if it was not for them lying down in the dirt with me and holding my hand, when so many left me. They are the women I look up to and aspire to be. Hearts full of kindness and love. One dear friend described it as being on the peace and love train, everyone get onboard, that image always makes me smile. It has taken years but I am finally out of what felt like the darkening of the soul. Where I was almost gone but something kept me here. I am a wonderful person! I am funny, I am kind and I am worthy of love, from myself and from others. I trust myself again.

Slowly I am allowing my loved ones back in. I pushed everyone away after a soul destroying relationship which left me scarred. I couldn’t trust anyone, my mind and body would not let me because pain and shame was a reality. I have started hugging people again which might seem like a simple thing to some but for me that’s huge. To allow another human to touch my body is massive, without the fear that I will get physically hurt. I now feel more comfortable asking loved ones for help as well. I am so fiercely independent, which I always took to be my super power. Turns out it’s just another warped sense of protection from years of trauma. “I can do it on my own, I don’t need to depend anyone else.” It’s actually much nicer to share experiences with others, I have more time to get things done properly and I see the joy it brings for them to be the one who care and nurture.

So to sum up this long winded, mish mash of a blog, and say what I’ve learnt from this period of what seems like running into a brick wall, again and again and again. The task ahead is not impossible. It can be very, very, hard but not impossible. You can find trust and love again. The world is not your enemy. Especially if you have the kind of people around you like I have, my tribe, my sanity, my loves.

It is liberating being able to start to trust again. It feels like breathing fully, not just tiny gasps of air. Let’s see how this second bloom turns out…

Love,

Lara