Shedding Shadows

“We cannot become what we want by remaining what we are.”  Max Dupree

I find myself sat here, over looking my garden, staring at the trees dancing in the gentle breeze, mulling over my current life. I'm on the precipice of going to back to uni, having spent the summer revising, building my sanctuary and being inspired by the most remarkable women from the Summer Sanity Collab (you ladies have no idea how much you changed my life, you are rock stars). I'm ready for the next phase and also incredibly grateful for the one just gone. It gave me stability, the chance to be creative again and most importantly a sense of being part of community.

Moving to Midsomer Norton was a huge step. Leaving family behind, not knowing the area or anyone in it. My husband is a carer so spent pretty much most of the first year of us living here away, sometimes staying away for weeks at a time. I felt alone. The most alone I think I have ever felt in my life. Luckily the dogs were by my side, eager for adventures and always ready for cuddles. We became fast friends with our neighbours, who are the sweetest, most kindest humans (🖤), they had just moved into the area too. Seeing their friendly faces, learning that they were into similar things and loved animals as much as I did made it easier. Without them I don't think I would have seen a single soul for days at a time.

Next came uni and working. The 70 hour weeks were a killer. Gave me no time to form connections with anyone as I was always rushing off to the next thing. I was constantly sick, depressed and had lost any resemblance of who I was or what mattered to me. Something had to give and it was my body, my mind quickly going with it. I was a shell. Smiles on the outside but empty within. I was forced to think outside the box and figure out how to solve this. Mortgage, bills, dogs to feed are not cheap. I couldn't stay as I was and I had no idea what I wanted to become but standing still was no longer an option.

I stumbled across a reiki healer in the area, something about her face felt like home, I can't really explain it. I found she was doing reiki training and thought why not give it a shot. I had always been curious and felt like I had a natural affinity for helping others. As soon as I walked through her door, I knew, I was meant to be there being mentored by her. She was full of warmth and hope. I will never forget sitting at her dining room table listening to how passionate she was about helping heal others. I have so much respect and love for my mentor, my soul sister.

She taught us about the 5 reiki principles:

"Just for today, I will not be angry" 

"Just for today, I will not worry" 

"Just for today, I will be grateful" 

"Just for today, I will do my work honestly" 

"Just for today, I will be kind to every living being"

After listing these off she said she rarely gets angry or annoyed anymore. I thought to myself - yeah right lady. She carried on explaining how her life had changed since her reiki attunement and it just seemed so alien to me. Was this even possible? Being an empath, I felt other peoples emotions so strongly which heightened my own.

We went to her kitchen for the attunement. I'm not entirely sure what happened but with my eyes closed, I saw colours and symbols jumping out and swirling, ending with a burning violet colour, the most beautiful colour I have ever seen. I cried, the tears were just streaming uncontrollably from my eyes, I was overwhelmed but in the most magical way possible. The release I felt, the weight that had been suffocating my heart was lifted. I could breathe again. A decade of darkness had been shed. I forgave myself, I forgave the people in my past. I do not hold onto anger for what went on. I had been searching so hard for the answers and boom, there they were, all in a burning violet flame.

I sat in my car after the training, trying to figure out what was going on. I felt whole, that empty shell was filled with hope. So this is what a sense of purpose and service feels like.

From that day things have just snow balled. I quit my evening job, I hated it and it made me so sad. I met a wonderful bunch of esoteric humans, our Friday meet ups are a firm favourite in my calender. I have been inspired to help others and the tools for doing this came naturally to me. I created courses and ran meditation sessions. Interviewed around 100 women to see what I could actually do to help. My reiki client diary has been filling with some of the most interesting people I have ever met and it is an honour to see inside their souls. I'm less stressed about uni, what will be will be. I even have a small group of friends, who sit in the front row and are just as confused as me (D & P you are my lifeline. Also who knew Hungarian wine was so delicious?!). I have more patience and get less annoyed and angry (my mentor was right). I walk down the high street now and will bump into several people I know and it feels genuine. I am no longer consumed with loneliness. Being forced to let go and shed the shadows was one of the most important lessons I have ever learnt.

In life we have many different versions of ourself, some in the past that we will never be again, the ones we are now and then the uncertainty of what we are to be. Isn’t this exciting? Or for some terrifying. That is the choice we make. I like to live with curiosity, living in the present, embracing that I am not in control of the chapters to come. I can only control my actions and reactions in this moment.

Change is inevitable in life. We have a few options with this, embrace it and see your growth or step back and stay in what you perceive as safety which isn’t always the case. I have learnt that in these moments of change, focus on your breath before you do anything.

Living in the past can cause depression, worrying about the future can cause anxiety so lets live in the now.

You will never be that version of yourself in the past, that has gone. What we should aim to be right now is our most genuine self, our most loving self and our most kind self.

The person I am today is pretty fabulous.

Love,

Lara x